Stories
Real stories from real people - an honest look at Alpha.
Kevan's Story
I was brought up in Somerset, in what you would call a traditional Anglican family. We went to church every week and I went to sunday school. I think my parents went to church because that was what their parents did. It was seen to be the right thing to do rather than carry any real meaning. Certainly there was no reason given to me why we went to church. As a small boy, a lot of what went on in church I didn’t understand. I would sometimes go with my father and as soon as he got into the pew he would kneel down and close his eyes. I assume he was praying, but he never said. I would just copy him parrot fashion; when he moved I moved. I wouldn’t pray because I didn’t know how to, so I would just kneel in silence. I couldn’t follow the liturgy; the vicar would say something and the congregation would respond. I never knew what to say or when to say it. I probably believed that God existed and that Jesus died on the Cross, but I certainly didn’t have any concept of anything more than that.
I left school at seventeen and worked in marketing for a few years. At twenty-nine I left employment to do a full time MBA in Birmingham. I had a personal ambition of gaining a full degree and my long term objective was to be financially secure with the potential to earn a lot more money. A year later I moved to London to work for an advertising agency and felt that I was getting closer to achieving my goal.
Unfortunately, in the process of trying to fulfil my ambition, my personal life had suffered dramatically. I had been divorced twice already by then, with both marriages ending acrimoniously. As strange as it feels to me now, I don’t remember feeling any personal responsibility towards the breakdown of either marriage at the time. But over the years deep disappointment and resentment had crept in to my life and I became very cynical about relationships.
In 1986 I met my partner of eight years through work. We were both career minded and therefore driven and motivated in the same way. We bought a house together in Clapham and led a lifestyle which enabled us to eat out a lot, have two or three holidays a year and drive nice cars. We seemed to have more money than we knew what to do with and it was all getting spent rather than any of it being saved. Our daughter Georgina was born in 1994 and we were married the same year. By then I was a main board director of an international advertising agency. It was as though I’d finally got to the end and reached my objective. I had achieved everything but remember thinking, ‘well, what now?’ It was as though I had opened a false door, which led to a false reality. I knew that my wife and I were on the same track at one point, but I didn’t want to drive that way anymore. It was like falling into a big gap. I had worked towards something for so long that I didn’t know where else to go.
After Georgina was born we started going to church in Clapham most Sundays. The main reason for going was Georgina. As parents, we decided it was important to try and instil some good Christian values from a young age. As for me, going back to church made no impact on me whatsoever. I couldn't see how it would make any difference to me in my daily life.
Three years later my marriage fell apart. I left my job and decided to move to Bath. It was a very depressing time. I moved away to try and put my head back together and sort my life out. I felt terribly guilty about leaving Georgina and desperately wanted to retain as much contact with her as possible. I found a house to rent and after a few months I decided to start up my own business as a marketing consultant.
It was a slow process and some days were more productive than others. I was able to see Georgina most weekends, which saved me from indulging in my own selfishness because her needs were so much more important than mine. Although I was leading a much less extravagant lifestyle and had few friends, my life was slowly beginning to take shape.
Eighteen months later, I met Rachel and her young daughter at a country club I’d recently become a member of. We spent the summer together and Rachel and I fell in love. We moved in together very quickly and soon realised that we had acted purely out of our own interests. Although we were living together, as far as I was concerned, there was no sense of us being a family. Rachel and I being together was as far as it went. Needless to say our relationship over the next five years proved to be difficult, even though we knew we loved each other.
When Rachel started doing the Alpha course last year, I secretly hoped that she would start the course then drop out and realise it wasn’t for her. I felt threatened by the whole idea of it, particularly as Rachel had started going to church with Rhianna and had made lots of new friends. As the weeks and months went by, I felt more resentful about the new life that they appeared to be enjoying, a life which I wasn’t and didn’t want to be a part of. I had tried going to church in the past and I knew that it hadn’t worked for me.
Our relationship deteriorated because we spent less time together in the evenings and at the weekends.
Rachel signed up to be a helper at the next Alpha course and I stopped showing any interest in what was going on in her life. One evening, following a particularly difficult week we went out and Rachel told me that she had committed her life to Christ. She was worried about our future because we were heading in different directions. I remember feeling so angry because she was the one who had changed, not me. She was different too, much more relaxed and calm, even when things became much worse.
Then, one Sunday morning everything changed. Rachel asked me to come to church and I said yes. There was no thought process of having to go just to keep the peace. I don’t even remember thinking about how difficult it might be. It was as though my mind had been wiped clean of any negative feelings at all. The beginning of the service started with worship and I was reading the words on the screen because I didn’t know the tune. Without warning, tears started to well up in my eyes and I remember thinking, ‘what’s that all about?’ I was able to stop myself, but felt rather self-conscious. Towards the end of the service, a second lot of worship began and the same feeling came back but much stronger. At that point I think I probably knew that I’d been touched by God. I remember feeling embarrassed because we were sat in the front and friends of ours were there. Then I felt Rachel hold my hand and at that moment nothing could hold back the tears.
Over the next few days I thought about what had happened a great deal. It was like a supernatural experience and I wanted somebody to try and explain to me what had happened. Rachel and I talked about it a few days later. I knew by then I was going to do the Alpha course, which was a few weeks away. The following week I was woken up with a Scripture reference in my mind. That was odd, because I didn’t know the Bible at all. Yet, as I read it, I felt as though it was speaking directly to me about about my life at the time.
Over Easter, we went to an evening service at church on Good Friday and towards the end I had a very powerful picture, which told me without doubt that Jesus was blessing our relationship and wanted us to be together. I didn’t know before that night that Rachel had been praying for some time that God would speak to her about our relationship.
For me, the Alpha course helped fill in the blanks. There were a lot of things I didn’t know or understand before I started the course. Alpha was the perfect place to facilitate that learning process and we covered a lot of ground in a short period of time. The atmosphere within the group was very relaxed and comfortable . The most important part of the course for me was the Holy Spirit weekend. The afternoon talk on the Saturday was dedicated to inviting the Holy Spirit into our lives. It was after that talk that I first felt God speak to me about Rachel and I getting married. Then on the Sunday morning there was a talk on how to make the most of the rest of your life.
Halfway through, the speaker talked about how marriage is a reflection of Christ’s relationship with the church. He then went on to explain that is why the only place for sexual intimacy is within the lifelong commitment of marriage. As I heard this, I felt as though I was the only person in the room. Those words spoke to me so personally that I felt a real pang of guilt about how differently I had viewed marriage up until that point. It all made so much sense to me and after talking to my group leader, I knew in my heart that I wanted to put our relationship right. We then had an open air Communion service by the lake, which was very special. When we were praying at the end, someone came forward and shared a picture she’d had earlier of leaves forming into rings and being joined together. Rachel was there, and we both felt very strongly that the picture was for us. It was a very special and happy moment.
The following weekend we returned to the same place and were baptised as a family. It was an amazing feeling to be fully immersed in the water and then to come up knowing that I had been washed clean of past sins. I had been given a new life. A life committed to Jesus. That day marked the beginning of our new journey as a couple and as a family.
Ten weeks later, on September 1st, Rachel and I were married. When we said our vows to each other it was so meaningful because of the commitment we were making together with God. Getting married has cemented us together as a family in such an unexpected way. We are much closer than we were before. I recognise that I am a much more loving and compassionate person and am free from old feelings of resentment. My life has been truly transformed. I am much more content knowing that I have a framework to lead my life by and that I am accepted. I don’t have the drive for living a materialistic lifestyle because I know it doesn’t bring happiness. I am now leading my life in Christ and it makes me happy.